Leaping into vulnerability

It's been a tough week.

And I'm layin' it out here folks, like it happened.

Some may say I'm taking the leap into vulnerability?

Started last Thursday with a serious faux pas as the French say, when I made a very blunt remark on a partner's work. I  felt enraged, couldn't contain it, and/or downsize it. I can't explain the scope of feeling that came up, when I saw work  I didn't like. Still trying to understand my explosion. I felt awful, as a result.

Then another meeting that ended badly (not straight away but nevertheless) with aa man I had been in a relationship with for the past half a year. A place where I had given trust time and time again and had been betrayed- but still came back for more. Some will call it masochism, I don't know what or why, just trying my best to lick my wounds and carry on with a little more self awareness, and hopefully, compassion for both of us.

But the truth is - I'm angry, and I want revenge. I felt very vengeful...seeing all kinds of movies in my head where I go to the man's wife and hand her a letter with a print out of all our e-mails from the past half a year. Truthfully, just thinking about it made me feel bad, physically and I decided no good would come of it. And still those thoughts came popping back into my head! Ahhhhhhh.

Felt very very down all through the week. Somewhere I read that Mercury was regressing and that's why there was bad communication going on for many of us. Still , that was no solace.

From all this heavy thinking and less doing I finally, on Friday,  gave myself a "real" reason to feel bad in the form of a major bump on the head I got while cleaning the house, exactly 2 milimeters from my third eye, right in the middle of my forhead for all to see. Luckily with the help of Arnica  it doesn't look like a bruise but it's swollen and hurts REAL BAD.

To top it all off, my Mom got it ill in the middle of a nice lunch we were invited to yesterday, in a beautiful garden, on a sunny day, which was supposed to be a tranquil moment for me. So much for that. We ended up calling an ambulance because all the blood drained from her face and she couldn't stand up, after all, she's nearing 85.
I can tell you, I was scared, particularly after attending an old friend's funeral that same week...

I know how fragile life is - I know we could all go in any given moment- andI know  his passingaffected her, I know she's scared and so am I - scared to lose - if we do lose- the person who has been closest and around all these years, my Mom.

Must leave you with something hopefull, interesting , thought provoking and touching I watched this week from Brene Brown, who researches vulnerability and the way we numb ourselves in our society, the Western Society.( Why must I ? I suddenly ask myself...so that you will love me, or that I will think I'll be useful to you in some way, except for sharing my misery?)

Fow whatever reason- here goes:

"A Big Hairy Audacious Goal"

Spiral - ink on paper



I just listened to and watched Molly Gordon's videos on what it takes to be a profitable self employed buisness owner.
She lists 5 things you need to have:

1. A Big Hairy Audacious Goal - as she calls it, or a major "WHY" am I doing what I'm doing? What makes me crazy? What's obvious to me and I want the rest of the world to know about ?
2. A Financial goal - how much do I need to be profitable, and then some. And Dream....
3. Know how: how to market and how to sell (two completely different things)
4.Confidence- Self trust
5.Follow through : Molly says that every time you follow through, and I understand that means being persistent and consistent with the first four, you also build confidence to continue what you're doing and then you start to see results. Am I right, Molly?

So what is my Big Hairy Audacious Goal?
Well here's the thing:
I've been telling myself that I want to spread NVC, Nonviolent Communication, in the world. particularly, I have always felt strongly about meeting babies' and childrens' needs as a way to create peace, have a more Empathic world, more compassion. So teaching mothers on how to communicate, or how to BE with their kids is  something that's meaningful for me. Maybe it's something I've been telling myself but in reality...I'm scared?

So how is it or why is it that I find myself sitting here in the shop I joined as a co-partner "selling" my Fine Metalwork (not a customer here today, probably on account of the weather), when I want to be working with mothers? How is it that I have been studying Biosynthesis for 3 years, with one more to go, with the intention of being a therapist? How is it that I participated in two Fine Art exhibitions this last year? How do all of these contribute to my vision? To a business that will support me and my kids?
mmmmm

And the self confidence, self trust that Molly is talking about, is something I feel I am only now, at the young age of 49, beginning to develop. ( It's a huge issue, SO HUGE, and yet the way Molly puts it , it sounds EASY. For me this is "THE ISSUE".
Self trust that I have value, that I do have something to give, to contribute to this world.

"My life is my message" - Gandhi wrote. Well hey I'm certainly no Gandhi, and I don't aspire to be, but somehow, what I think I can learn from this reflectionof his, is because of who I am, my life's course, the twists and turns, the tragedy in my life, somehow, maybe that is what makes this woman, Yael, and maybe THAT is something that can help others.

So hey, IT hasn't crystallized yet....

A while ago, while I was working on my piece for the Paris Group exhibition, my son, almost 11, comes up to me , looks me in the eye and says, "Mom, you're an Artist"

He said it with such tranquility, such peace, such conviction, I kinda felt like, who am I to contradict him? Maybe he knows something I don't?

I'm going to continue this theme in my next post...I think this one's long enough and full enough with things to ponder. What do you think?

Loving your comments and reflections...

Tears For A Forest

 This was written during the big fire in The Carmel Forests last week

Photos taken camping in the Carmel Forest In June 2010

Standing on a hill, in this forest
Only a week ago
Looking at the beauty
I felt a sense of expansion
Tranquility
Happiness
That only Nature can give you.
Hills
Overlooking the Mediterranean Sea
Peaceful
Clean (relatively)

And now-
Much of it's gone
The Trees
The Green
Many people's lives taken, tragically

" Don't it always seem to go-
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"

I regret
Not being there more
Regret
Not taking the children with me
Precious Forest
I cry for you
And myself
And all of us

Let Go

 One thing I've noticed while meditating. When I'm thinking -  I hold my body much more, it's a lot more tense, particularly in my shoulders. Suddenly , when I notice I'm thinking, I am able to direct my awareness to my shoulders...and let them drop, let them go. And then - I feel my thighs resting on the chair -  and I am IN my body for a few split seconds. Wow! It's like a revelation! To feel all the tension release, even for a moment, relax my breathing lengthen my spine...like I've often read  the Barefoot Doctor explain, (who BTW is ill, and we're sending him best wishes of a speedy recovery). And then a few seconds later...I'm in my head again.

The other day I was tense, worried. My 85 year old Mom decided she's driving to a local mall to meet a friend. Problem is she has dementia, still in very early stages , but it isn't getting better. She refused to have her live-in companion go with her. There was nothing I could do, except make sure she knows the way. Please call me when you get there, I asked. Of course, she didn't, she forgot. And she wasn't answering her cell, which was probably in her bag.

I'm pacing around, anxious, thinking of ways to reach her, calling the cafe' she's supposed to be at and suddenly my almost 11 year old son comes up and  says to me, Ima- you need to let go.

Let Go? How can I let go? Byron Katie often says: Can you let go when it's not available to you? Is that true that it's possible?

But he's right in a way. Maybe another word for it is trust. Trust the Universe  to keep this big ball we're on turning and moving us all in the direction we're supposed to...
I let go. I directed my attention to places I can actually DO something, like my work, even though I'm frustrated there, and no matter how many good tips I read from Jim's Marketing Blog, or read Seth's Blog or  watch all these amazing creative people on the net that I admire like Melissa Dwindle launch great ideas, I still seem to not BREAKTHOUGH.

Still, relatively, it's a place where I have some sense of control.

An hour later- my Mom called to say she's home...

So, How do you let go?

Looking Into Your Eyes

Looking into your eyes

I see the eternal
The child
The Innocence
the love, the vulnerability
the love, the pain
the pure , the joyful
the longing
to love
to be loved

Looking into your eyes
They are the eyes of everyone I meet
I see
In this world
In my life

I meet you everyday
I meet me in You
The eternal
The One
Some call it God

Thank you for reflecting
Everything
I need to know
To Learn
To be
Peace

To Rest

Today I'm resting. I'm going to pretend that I'm sick, because that was the only way I was allowed to stay at home when I was little, and well, now my inner parent is still keeping that up...

I'm going to stay in bed.
Have breakfast in bed, which I just made for myself
Read
Talk
Sleep, a lot
Rest

A few days ago, I was having a terrible morning.

We were late for school and my daughter was still standing in front of the mirror and brushing her hair. "Yasmin... let's go we're late.." Yes yes just a second"
 Finally, I blew up!
" I'm leaving!" I shout.
 Suddenly it's all fire inside , in my body. Like a terrible fire that is out of control..

We finally make it to school. Standing in the parking area, kissing and hugging her goodbye, because I do not want to part in an argument, I catch sight of a friend, I wave . She comes close : " How are you?" I smile: S-it I say.  So, why are you smiling? she asks. "It's my default" and tears come up. What is it? I make a movement with my hands like a huge mountain in front of me. " Everything's too big, huh?" I nod and fall into her big hug and burst into tears.

"Yael, you've go to rest," she continues. "You do so much. You don't stop, you must find some rest!"

Back home I reflect on how hurried I am in everything. Even eating. I eat a sandwich I can barely sit still, there's so much tension in my body...

Even meditation and yoga are a chore that must be done.

How to rest? How to find relaxation during the day when I find myself so rigid so tight?
Well, they say awareness is the beginning, and I find I have made progress in the last year and a half, yet still, there's a long way to go...

Would love to hear, how do you rest? How do people relax?

p.s. Last night I watched "Julie and Julia". The movie about the writer Julie Powell who got famous for writing a blog about the year she spent making every single recipe from Julia Child's " Mastering The Art of French Cooking". Great film, that also tells the story of two great ladies and their relationships and their passion, their creativity and one-mindedness but more than anything I was inspired by watching the special feature in the DVD about how the movie was made. I noticed that the two key figures that made this film, the producer and the director, were women, and I was inspired by that... a film about two women, by women, not to mention the great Meryl Streep.
And of course, there was a lot of love in all of it
 How empowering is that?

How to Heal?

My Face Is Smiling, But I am Not

 This must have been one of the worst let downs in my life.

Oh yeah I've had plenty.
Lots of unrequited love.
Early crushes unspoken. A falling in love in my early years, 18 to be precise, that ended a year and a half later in desertion, and haunted me for years and years until that fateful meeting in Central Park just near Strawberry Fields, meeting him with his wife...
Men disappearing from my life.

Yet this last one hurts now, more than before, and what comes up is a sense of betrayal of trust that runs deeper. Maybe because of the process I'm going through, of opening up, of being more connected to my feelings than before,  maybe because he helped me BE in the moment and also say what's going on for me. That split second of intimacy, that closeness, is what lingers for me. It was a moment of being seen and heard.

And then , the next day- cut. Gone.

I know it's not because of me. I know he has his issues. He didn't mean to hurt me. He's just answering his own needs. I know I set myself up from the start. Maybe my choice of partners is poor- some will say that it's my soul's journey, that there's a lot more unknown than known...

All of this may be true - it just hurts hurts so bad. And feels alone, probably more alone than I have ever felt and there has been a lot of alone-ness in my life.

How to heal? How to trust again?

Your thoughts are welcome.

Love Is The Fertilizer

In my Meditation this morning I felt, as I feel very often, this big pain in my forehead, the place where all the thinking goes on. So I looked at it. I heard myself say, go go get out! And then saw an image of little me and this huge black something, with no specific shape.  Little me is trying her hardest to push it out. Tremendous, strenuous effort, and it ain't budging.

And then I remembered the teachings, of greeting those thoughts, those pains, as one would greet a guest.  We would receive them in a nice way, offer them some refreshment, and we know, they're here now, and they're leaving, eventually. And I also remembered , that Love is the best fertilizer, the best   "force" one can use. So I started caressing that big thing, and poof, like in a cartoon, it was gone.

How can I bring that love into all areas of my life? Clearly, I can do it when I feel energized, relaxed happy, well, happy-ish, but- what happens when I'm depleted, tired, feeling lonely and just wishing for some relief?
Where and from what can I get renewed? I meditate, yes, I do some exercise in the morning, I write, and these things are beneficial, and yet-

Something's lacking.

The other day I saw a fantastic film, called : "My Afternoon's With Margueritte" , a French film starring Gerard Depardieu. It's a moving, inspiring movie about a man who all his life has been the village idiot, suffering endless laughter and scorn from his surroundings and his single mother. But he's a big guy with a big heart, and has a beautiful young girlfriend who sees the beauty in him, an amazing vegetable garden that he lives off and sells produce from - and one day he meets a 95 year old lady in the village square - and this meeting transforms him...or rather, reveals to him, how special he is. She's a  former scientist that loves to read - and so their meetings go, she reads, he listens. She points out what a great reader he is. To which he answers : What do you mean? I can't read! She answers , you LISTEN so well and that is just as good.

I won't tell you the rest.... but I will say that it is a movie that brings back faith in each of our individual uniqueness- how we all have our own style of growing, learning and loving. And the message is yes, that Love is the best fertilizer there is, the only power that can move even the blackest and darkest moments.

I wept at the end, literally. Go see it

Consistent, Linear....Or?

 leaf illustration

 
It's been over ten days since I posted on this blog.. I read somewhere: Don't give excuses , be responsible.

Woke up with the word : Consistency in my head.
Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself?

So looked it up in the Merriam Webster dictionary:

1. Firmness or constitution of character: persistency
2. Agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole : correspondence; specifically : ability to be asserted together without contradiction

Ha!

My experience of myself is that I am always in contradiction with myself, never in harmony or agreement,  and that I lack firmness. Well, there you go.

Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself? (THAT I'm consistent with, by the way  (-: )

Except in my Motherhood, at least when they were young, I was consistent in my parenting beliefs. And I'm consistent as a mother - as if there's a choice. I'm consistent as a seeker, as a person who looks inward and continuously strives to be  a better person.

What  does it really mean to me?

Lately, being with myself, in the process of creating my last piece, I had the opportunity to look, to notice more , non-judgmentally. I noticed I work in circles, or rather spirals...it was so clear...and it was  something I got validation for from reading how other people work. And, God knows, life isn't linear, the universe isn't linear...is it?

Why should I be? 

Looked up that word too...I give it to you here:
 
 (1) : of, relating to, resembling, or having a graph that is a line and especially a straight line : straight (2) : involving a single dimension b (1) : of the first degree with respect to one or more variables (2) : of, relating to, based on, or being linear equations, linear differential equations, linear functions, linear transformations, or linear algebra c (1) : characterized by an emphasis on line (2) : composed of simply drawn lines with little attempt at pictorial representation d : consisting of a straight chain of atoms
2: elongated with nearly parallel sides — see leaf illustration (I give it to you above)
3: having or being a response or output that is directly proportional to the input
4: of, relating to, or based or depending on sequential development
What I found funny was that the first known use of the word was circa 1656. Funny, no? And the leaf illustration! Wow! Last thing I would think about leaves is that they are linear!
And maybe more interesting or meaningful to me was that in both definitions, there is no mention of Time... these words and how they relate to time.

 Anyway I'm rambling...the day is moving along and I better start moving with it...a house to be cleaned, and the rest of my life to be lived, whether in spirals, lines, consistent or in-consistently!

"Fixing a hole...fixing me"

 "Life is not a problem, what we believe about life is the problem" Byron Katie

 "I'm fixing a hole where the rain comes in, and stops my mind from wondering, where it will go...." Lennon- McCartney

Woke up at 5 am . Bad dream, a loud noise. And the instance I woke up- panic sets in. Couldn't get back to sleep. Lying there for half an hour paralyzed, and finally, I get up, go to the living room and do the only thing I know can help in these situations. Write.

(How is it that these moments give birth to writing? mmmmmm)

I sat and wrote three pages of all my suffering in that moment. All my fears , pain , judgments of myself. How I cannot move myself forward. Here I am , just past my 49th birthday, and what have I achieved? No steady stream of income, spending all the money I got from the sale of the apartment I owned, money only going out, not in...how I'm doing too much at the same time: studies, two businesses that are not taking off and on and on and on. I put it all down...and then did the The Work on the sentence:

"I should be making a living"...which ends with :

Who would I be, how would I be without the thought: " I should be earning a living" and I'm not?

Definitely less stressed.

Suddenly snapped out of the bad mood, did my Chi-qong/Yoga routine, then 15 minute meditation,  summoned all my resources...and you know what? I had a fruitful day...checked things off my list.

 Later, a seed I sowed half a year ago suddenly popped out of the ground... met a woman who may invite me to speak about Empathy in front of a group of English/Anglo Saxon women.  I have a sale at the end of the week of my metalwork at a big event,  and I am joining a co-op of crafts- women and artists, in a town adjacent to mine where I will be able to sell straight to the public with no go betweens... not to mention that a piece of mine is in a gallery in Paris! So really, objectively...things ARE moving and are definitely not static...so why the panic? Could it be a conversation I had yesterday in which a friend showed me in numbers how I am throwing money away by renting instead of buying an apartment? Maybe I was just ripe for some stress....

So it's 1030 pm...the day is coming to a close, kids in bed, I'm at the computer, a bunny rabbit hopping around the living room, rain falling outside, freshening up the air - all is well...

"And it really doesn't matter, if I'm wrong I'm right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong!"
Lennon- McCartney

Wisdom From My Personal Guru

"No Chains Around My Feet, But I'm Not Free"

my latest piece for the Paris show, paper metal wire, plaster and fabric will post another shot soon

My son Tom stayed at home the other day.

I saw he was having trouble getting up, he looked very tired and I decided to give him the day off from school. Anyway, you know I don't think school is SO important...

So we're together in the living room, he's lying on the sofa and reading, I'm papier-mache-ing... something I've started doing more and more lately as part of my work.

He yawns

"You're tired, eh?" - I ask.
"Yes Mom, why are adults more tired than kids?"
"Well I guess it's because we have so much stuff ( I make a gesture with my hand- towards my head) up here."
"And kids?"
"Your job is just to have fun and enjoy life."

Silence

Tom smiles, we look at each other and begin to laugh...well duh! It's adults' job too!

Guess I kinda lost that....

The Non-Gratitude Mandala!

for a closer and bigger look

I've been busy the last ten days
Busy Creating

I challenged myself
Instead of going to a meditation retreat (paid for by my dear brother as a birthday present)
I chose to stay at home and finish a piece for a group show of Israeli women in Paris
A piece I was not sure I could and would make

I discovered a lot about myself in these few days
How much I love Art, for example
How I can be moved and excited by it. How excited I am to read about lives of Artists
How much I love Dialogue with other people in and during my process of creation
How I can FIND these amazing people in my life

I found out how loved I am

For four days I was alone and didn't leave the house.
Kids were at their Dad's. so I was alone (except for the bunnies)
I could move , suddenly, according to my own pace
My own Rhythm, finding it
Going from watercolors to sketching to papier mache-ing
Listening to my favourite music (My Fair Lady...amongst others)
Reminding my- Self of my favourites - singing out loud
Dancing
Happy
Excited
And I created, and I had visions of more creations

Thinking of the relationship between suffering and creating
Looking at my own
At others

This morning I got up happy, well, relatively (-:
Felt like making a Gratitude Mandala
To Thank everyone and everything in my life

And then a text message that brought up old anger again

I'm still grateful - or beginning to be again
Apparently, what needs to come up, does

Fortunately, I have my colors, my words my hands as  direct expressions
Channels for this Anger energy

Off to continue this Journey
Thanks to all of you reading this!

Deception and Living Life

 From Lynda Hill's website

Enjoy the journey and give birth to self-love, self-worth and divine creativity. Let go of the past and emerge into life and love.

The day  started out really bad.

I barely slept and awoke at 430 am.

On my way to the big city

A call in the car

Heavy conversation

In Heavy traffic.

A panic attack while driving on the highway

Breathing...you must not lose it...you must not lose it...

Therapy

Almost threw up, wish I had, why didn't I? Fear

Throw up, the

Anger

Mistrust

The deception

Yeah, he was deceiving me, but worse

I was deceiving myself

Everything happens for a reason they say

Driving home

After major crying session

I stop at a friend's

To get a hug

Love

Lying in her garden

Smelling the trees, the grass, talking with some pets (a gorgeous cat)

Calming

Grounding

Connecting

Dialogue about my art

Slowly  getting inspired, I have resources!

Energy lifting...

Children from school

Lunch

Nap

Some creative work with my daughter...still tired, slow,  but moving, moving

Almost giving up the idea of going to Yoga

And then a telephone

I'm on my feet, drop kids off at guitar and horseback riding classes

Yoga, wow I'm so glad I went

Pizza for dinner!

(just to hear kids shout YAY! at the top of their lungs makes life worth living!)

And it is

Life is worth living

And as someone put it, can't remember who

Life IS for the living

And I'm alive and moving

And creating

And all is well

Inner Ground

I'm in pain

a lot of it

and I can't seem to understand

or get around it or go through it.

I see Gabriella Hoppe  my teacher putting her hand on her shoulder, just to show that I can just

Put it there. Softly, warmly, in a supportive, gentle, accepting way

And yet I

Still push myself into it, fight it

Try and take it away

And what's with my lower back?Haven't heard from it since I was going through a crisis in 96'

When my beloved Jessie, my dog, died and we didn't have our own space to live in and there were problems getting pregnant.

Suddenly my back has come back! To tell me what?

All the intersections in my body are screaming...something, my knees, particularly the right

Can I have a pain-less day?

And tired , no energy...aagh!

And yesterday I observed and discovered suddenly the way I am

As one coach put it , circular- (and that's ok)

It was such a different day!

Got up

Meditated

Wrote in my notebook

Typed a post on my blog

Cleaned the house

Shopped

Had a last glance at my book on Greek Gold that I gave to my friend

Back home, rested

Received the kids

Cooked

Read the chapter on Inner Ground of Lifestreams by David Boadella , founder of the pschosomatic therapy known as Biosynthesis I am studying

Helped the kids with their bikes to go riding on the carless streets in Yom Kippur

Watched Elizabeth Gilbert on TED

Watched an amazing film called "Racing Daylight" from the Spiritual Circle Cinema

And a short doc on a lady called Jenny Funkmeyer

Got inspired and went to work on my art!

Creating this:

 Inner Ground

And in closing the day, wrote three things I am grateful for:
My kids my loves
Being given a second and third chance
Cornflakes, I just love them!

So why the low energy today? Maybe I can just accept it instead of fighting it?
Maybe because it started so differently, looking outward instead of inward?
Or simply because it was a difficult night?

Peace...can someone bring it on?

Elizabeth Gilbert on TED

Inspiring , funny, moving ( brought tears to my eyes!)
Watch it enjoy it....
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/453

On creativity and releasing the Genie...

Pain and Forgiveness?

yeah I know it's a Paris sky, but suits my mood...

It's six o' clock
I've been awake since five
Went to sleep in pain
Emotional
Physical

Went to Yoga class, with my shoulder
Throbbing
My lower back sensitive
And my teacher, wanting to make my shoulder relax, lay me on a bench, with props
And my lower back got caught.
(Of course she didn't let me leave before she fixed that, but not a hundred percent)

Went to sleep sad, but in spite of that wrote down three things I'm thankful for:
I'm alive
I have a bed
I'm safe

Dreamt that I was giving birth.

It was strange (as it always is in dreams)

One minute I was pregnant

Two big contractions, more like convulsions

And the baby shot out

Perfect

Smiling (with teeth? a Cheshire baby (-: )

I put her to my breast and it was full, spurting with milk

It was a warm feeling, and yet
Something was wrong in the picture

Today is the Eve of the Jewish Day of Atonement
The day when all Jews are supposed to ask for forgiveness

To forgive and be forgiven, by each other

By God

And hope to be written in God's Book of Life, for the coming year

And all I can think of
Is my Unspoken anger
Holding it in
No wonder my back goes
Alot of anger, directed to so many people
(Not to mention myself)

Who must I forgive?
Why isn't anyone asking mine?
What is forgiveness anyway...it's a strange concept
Meaningless to me.

When I was eight my Mom would say:
" I will not speak with you till you ask for my forgiveness"
What choice did I have?
What was my Sin, anyway?

The sky is cloudy here in Israel today ( fits my mood)
And I wish it would rain
And wash all these tears (uncried)
Fears
Anger

Pain

Away

Moving in awareness from moment to moment...

I'm doing the dishes.

My head's rambling on about how it's all wrong, and I'll never amount to anything, about the mistakes I've made or why didn't I do this that or the other, etc etc.

And then, suddenly I stop (if it is ME doing the stopping). Suddenly it stops and I am able to direct my awareness to my body.

And all is well. No pain, at the moment.  (-:
No discomfort, just a body, breath, belly, arms moving flowing, standing, doing dishes...and everything is fine...yes, absolutely fine. And there's nothing wrong in this moment.

Only the story line, that comes back, every now and again.

It's a wow kind of moment but without bells ringing and lights and firecrackers. No orchestra playing.
Just pure contentment. Suddenly something's clicked.

As Byron Katie puts it: "Who would you be without your story? "

Today I felt it.

Yearning for " private intimacy" A Book Review and post...

                                  Flowers for my last birthday on August 22nd...beautiful, eh?

I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed - A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage"

I have to say that I really enjoyed it though it started off a bit slow for me. And maybe I was a little bit sarcastic, as in: Well, she found the love of her life, now what can she possibly want to say?

I also have to say I really like Ms. Gilbert though of course I've never met her. But I watched her on TED.com and she was absolutely lovely. To me that means humble, sweet and very funny and intelligent. I also love her face, it really shines at me from the cover of her latest book. So I stuck with it.

Well, I really think for me it was an important book to read, as a not-yet-formally-divorced-but-separated- for-many-years-woman. She really goes deep into the subject of Matrimony. As deep as anyone who (as she herself says) is not a psychologist or anthropologist, can. This word is oddly, and I never noticed this before she pointed it out, made from the word Matriarch funny ah? Not Patriarch! Anyway she really goes into marriage and divorce from many different perspectives including her own family lineage. Beautifully written , there were pieces in it that were an actual relief for me to read and see that , wow, here is someone who's articulated something for me. For example:

"Part of what makes the experience of divorce so dreadful is the emotional ambivalence. It can be difficult, if not impossible for divorced people ever to rest in a state of pure grief, pure anger, or pure relief when it comes to feelings about one's ex-spouse. Instead the emotions often remain mixed up together in an uncomfortable raw stew of contradictions for many years. This is how we end up missing our ex-husband at the same time as resenting him."

As I write these words I get a phone call from my ex. Is it because we are not legally divorced yet, which is an issue I need to address, or because we share two relatively young children and are in constant contact with each other which I find at sometimes suffocating- for whatever reason I get terribly triggered by things he says and see how we never really divorce entirely. Even Ms. Gilbert writes how her ex haunts her dreams and probably always will.

And it brings up the question, am I really free to get into a new relationship? All this hoohaw around my ex lover being not free for me, well,  AM I FREE? And then all my self judgments at how I react or how I am in relationships come up, including, why try at all?

So why, REALLY?

Ms. Gilbert sums it up towards the end of her book, saying, because

" We yearn for private intimacy even though it's emotionally risky, we yearn for private intimacy even when we suck at it "

So here I am, at yet another post-relationship stop at the road, still not able to put full closure on my old one....yearning...

A Spiral Question Mark Mandala

A Mandala a Day?

They say it's a good idea to do a Mandala a day...it's a mirror of our psyche. with a perfectionist like me, that will be hard to do!

I know this is huge! And covering most of the page but it's closest to real size...
Can you read what it says?

Yasmin and The Work of Byron Katie

                                                  this a photo that I really like of her

Yesterday Yasmin did The Work of Byron Katie!

To any one who is not familiar with this system, I really recommend it! It's a simple process of four questions and a turnaround that question the beliefs that cause us suffering... transformative!

Isn't it great that life keeps coming up with opportunities to practice spiritual tools?

Yasmin was suddenly distressed. A memory had come up. She had gone to the Youth Movement's summer camp and after one day decided she wanted to come home. Her Dad, my ex, went to get her. I thought it was over and done with.

This happened over a month ago but suddenly, last night, she was overcome with an inexplicable sadness.
(She's 10 just to remind you...)

I tried empathizing. True, it was the end of the day...and I wasn't that focused, and all I managed to say was:" So you were really sorry you went, right? And it sounds like your Dad coming to pick you up really touched your heart, true?" She responded to all this, yet kept on saying: "I shouldn't have gone in the first place!"

To this I began to say, "So why did you" , which ,never helps...("Why?" is a question you can ask much later, after someone's feeling better...)

And suddenly, I remembered BK...and asked: Is it True? And immediately checked if she wants to try The Work. She said yes!

Just for the record, my children have almost an intimate relationship with Byron Katie, since they've been seeing her face on my computer screen for years and have always connected with her image. When she was in Israel a few years ago, I went to the event. Tom, my personal Guru and home version of Byron Katie said: Why do you need her? You don't need her! (He was seven at the time...) His sister, Yasmin, said Ima, are you going to tell her about me?

As it turned out, I did do TW with Katie on stage...about Yasmin and the struggles I was having at the time with her. It was an important experience, and really the beginning of a Journey, rather than some solution or completion to "my problems"...

Back to Yasmin. I said, let's do The Work and see what happens, OK?
 OK!
(All this whilst she is getting into bed)

Me: Yasmin, is it True that you shouldn't have gone to camp?
Y: Yes!!!
Me: Are you absolutely sure, a hundred percent that it's True?
Y: Absolutely!!
Me: How do you feel when you believe that thought?
Y: I'm sad, my heart hurts, I want to cry...
Me: Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine, how would you feel, be, without that thought?
Y: Better, easier, happier... ( I swear all this is coming from her!)
Me: Now let's turn around that thought, I shouldn't have gone to camp, turns into..?
Y: I should've gone!
Me: Why is that just as true, can you see it?
Y: WELL BECAUSE I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT WAS ABOUT, IT WAS MY FIRST YEAR AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT...
Me: So, you wanted to go 'cause you were curious?
Y: Yes!
Me: Anything else? How do you feel now?
Y: Good!

We hugged. I said : It's like magic , this Work, right? Yes!!

And she sank into deep and happy sleep...in fact she's still snoring as I write these words!

Thanks Katie! And thank you to me....:-)

A Tale of Kindness in Cypress

Yasmin learned how to ride a bike on our holiday in Turkish Cypress.

Cypress is a strange place. Don't know why it strikes me stranger than any other divided continent, land , that, left to it's own nature, has no borders except it's natural ones. Maybe because the island is not big and as you're driving through the Greek side - suddenly you meet a border crossing, a few little buildings and some guards, you get your passport stamped and - there you are, on the Turkish side.in Turkish Cypress.

 Not much has changed, the landscape certainly hasn't , and yet...everything changes. The architecture, the general run- downish, time has stood still, kind of look you get on the Turkish side. And of course- a mosque instead of a church. A lot less signs on the road , a lot more vines growing everywhere, in the front of every house. Somehow, a lot less Westernized.

We were staying in a holiday village, still half built, but with very nice facilities on the North Western tip of the island. It looked a little strange to see these buildings jutting out like new teeth - white against the brownish, yellow with bursts of green, landscape, with the backdrop of the sea behind. For the kids and I guess for me too, it provided a safe environment to play, meet friends, and there were lots of bikes to ride.

Yasmin, ten and a half now, has been struggling with learning to ride a bike for three years now. This child rides on horses, commands them, is assertive, and yet with a bike, lost all her confidence.
.
One day I see Tom, her twin brother and her practicing. He's holding the bike in various ways , trying to get her moving, yelling and laughing at her. She's getting more and more frustrated, yet finally, suddenly, it happens! She's riding!

A victorious and happy Yasmin

We decide, too soon perhaps, to ride to the nearest village to the local shop. Riding down the road she gets frightened and unsure of herself and finally lands in a ditch. As luck would have it- right in front of the prettiest house and garden I saw there. The owner, a lady about my age, who was watering her garden, sees us, jumps out and says, you OK? She gives us water, and helps rinse Yasmin's face When it's clear that Yasmin can't continue I ask in sign language if she can stay with her...Yes yes of course! I saw her kind face and knew it was OK.

Off we went, Tom and I to the shop, and when we get back Yasmin is sitiing on the front terrace, with drinks, fruit from the woman's garden and looking generally pleased. Katria, our host, in the meantime had taken the thorns out of Yasmin's fingers, put soothing oil on them, and just pampered her with love. Of course as soon as we arrived , we also received the same treatment. More fruit,drinks, the woman's Mother shows up with freshly baked traditional bread with herbs and cheese, that Katria insists we take back to the village to my Mom

Plums from Katria's trees...

Walking back, at twilight, Yasmin and I reflect on how, out of a "bad" thing, came this beautiful encounter, like in the films you see, with a beautiful kind-hearted woman. I quoted Shakespeare: "Things are only good or bad because people make them so." Had Yasmin not tried bravely to ride to the village, and fell, we would never have met Katria and tasted some of this beautiful endangered culture- not to mention her organic fruit, and wouldn't have spent these sacred rare moments, walking together quietly, with our bikes, just the two of us.

A few days later, we returned with a beautiful rose plant for her garden, which she said she would name - Yasmin. Sadly, in both cases I forgot my camera at home , so I don't have an image to show you.... Yet this woman is forever in our hearts...

Good Day Sunshine?

Why are mornings so hard for me?
I wake up, way too early. 5 am, and immediately, lately, I get a little panic attack
Haven't had those for awhile. And can't get back to sleep...

It's around money, I know. It's around my ability to make money. (As if I make it) Produce. Earn. Bring in. I still have resources I am living on and supporting my kids with, but other than that...nothing's happening! ( Well I'm exaggerating here...I do have a little Renaissance for my Metalwork, yet nothing substantial)
I study. I write, I learn...how about earning?
What's worse is I don't believe in my Ability to to make it happen!
Yes I've sold work, a lot, in the past, but never really MADE it. In terms of a steady stream, of clients. And in getting paid in a way that feels good.
Afraid to ask for what I want , afraid to say it out loud! That I"m worthy!
Frustration all around.
Scared I will never live up to my "potential", that I will blow all my resources away, And go back to taking care of babies for a living. maybe that's what I do best? And who said that's not GOOD ENOUGH??
All this talent and I can't make anything from it?
Scared. plain and simple.That's the feeling.
Aaghhh! Sigh!
Lord, help!

Still, after writing all this down, on paper and then here...a sense of relief.

Suddenly , I hear the birds chirping (it's early morning) for real and from Twitter (-:
And Bob Marley's beginning to sing: " Don't worry, 'bout a ting, 'cause every little thing's , gonna be alright..."

Leaving you with this..how do your morning's start?

The Art of Saying "NO"

Saying No

I can't even say no to my cleaner. for heaven's sake! I can't say simply -  you're fired! Or , NO thanks. I don't need you anymore. ( well. the truth is I DO need help with the house, I WANT help, but not HIS help)

This is so symptomatic of my whole life. Saying NO, the ability to say NO, this doesn't suit me, this isn't RIGHT, it doesn't FIT ME.

Even when I say no, finally, I'm in regret two minutes later, saying, did I do the "right" thing?

Why can't I say NO, no, no, or even I'll think about it, or let me check with myself, and get back to you? Maybe because checking with my self  doesn't have any results? I'm not going to find any new answers in my- SELF? Is it because I am SO disconnected? A sense of desperation comes over me with these words.

Aagh! Oh Brother, as Charlie Brown would say.

Say NO

NO

NO

and  NO! (My passive- aggressiveness coming out)

Or this trip I organized , I initiated, and then woke up one morning, before paying for it, feeling, no , this is too big for me, ...and here I am, going on Saturday with my 84 year old Mom, and she's OLD I realize suddenly, so old it makes my heart break, and two kids, for a week, wow I'm stressed.

I could go on and on, about almost every area in my life, but I guess it would just be more of the same, from start to finish.

But what influences my day. my mood most, is my love affair... I said NO. I regretted it. I said No again...I'm going back and forth. No, I won't sleep with him anymore, it'll give me perspective, I'll be able to see ,more clearly, do I even LIKE this guy? Shit, (sorry for the profanity, lack of better word) we've never even been to a movie together!

Well, almost, on Saturday, I found myself, in what is known as " by coincidence"  in the same film theater that he went to with his lady. Pure Masochism! And in a film, (fantastic btw, about a man who has a lover, following up to his decision. I won't tell you the end). That wasn't the film I was planning on seeing, but the only one there were tickets for, and I knew he'd be there.

I saw a great film...and saw how much it hurt. My friend and I thought it would be a gas , but on truth, it hurt, and a lot.

He left in the middle - how could he?So RELEVANT to his life, I guess it says everything about the man. (here I go with my totality and judgments again and again)

Saying NO, has to do with healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries which are formed and imprinted when we are babies, or rather, toddlers. How much we were allowed to say  NO in those formative years. Was our No accepted? Empathized with? Recognized as part of our healthy development? Healthy boundaries help us have healthy aggression, which means , to move forward in life, planning, executing, assertiveness... moving ahead...on...all areas where I see myself lacking.

no, no. no......NO NO NO!! It's a hurting aching no... (brings up the memory of this song, which I'm happy to find on You Tube)

I'm learning, I know I am - and I will master this art of saying no, self connected, healthy, self empathizing, self loving, no.

Allowing myself to feel pain

Reading the last mail from him
I felt a huge knot in my belly
But the "automatic response system" was on,
And it was
To write a response from my head,
More Justifications
More Blame
More, I did this , You said that
Words

Got up
Had a shower
And then, that pain again
I thought:
What if I just SIT with it for a moment?
Instead of re-acting
Instead of plodding on, tasks
To do
Instead of Denial?
What would happen?

Tried it
Sat, slowly
Felt Pain
in my abdomen, the knot
Said:
"I feel pain, I feel pain" out loud
Felt it
Move up and up and out, breathing all the time
Tears welling, flooding my eyes
Voice, suddenly, wailing, crying,
Strange sounds
And then an urge to throw up
This is where I get scared
I start pushing it down
Again, No just not throw up, not alone
Running to the bathroom
Nothing comes up
Just Nasuea
Come back to sofa. Sit. Write Move , Breath
A little more pain.
No relief, yet, knowing there will be. And still

Must go
Shop. Do. Continue
Life is calling
Sitting , Allowing...Results?
I go back to the bathroom ,wash my face
Look at the face in the mirror
Suddenly I look to myself, younger fresher...at peace

Saying goodbye...

Remember this song..? " I never can say goodbye, no no no I , I never can say GOODBYE..! (this clip brings me back - you gotta watch it!

I just finished a four day workshop in Biosynthesis, a method of body oriented Psychotherapy I am both training in, and experiencing through therapy for the past year and a half.


The theme of this workshop was : "Crowning". All stages of the learning process in Biosynthesis are connected to the Chakras, and now we have reached the Crown chakra.  Crowning has many associations, many aspects, one of them being, how capable are we of saying: "Goodbye"?

As every woman knows, when the head of the baby leaving his mother's womb "crowns"...we are saying goodbye, to a life we knew and entering a new one. Really, it's kind of a death...How we experienced this moment, this process, our birth, how hurried, stressed or forced, or relatively easy it was, has had an impact on us, on a cellular level, and usually a very unconscious one.

One of our exercises was to reflect, together with a partner about what saying Goodbye means to us. And different aspects of it, for example, when I say goodbye I am afraid I am losing my safe ground. This aspect resonated for me most. Also we were asked to find the benefits in these aspects.

Ahhhh. What came up for me of course was saying goodbye to my dear dad...but, I didn't bring it up.

Instead I remembered how often as a child, I had no choice , but to say goodbye to places and people.
How terrifying it is for me. As early as four years old, when we moved from Israel to the States, and then within the States from the West to East coast, and finally from the US back to Israel (what a shock to the system that was, and one I can remember!) During the first part of the exercise, just talking about it, I experienced an incredible headache1 I felt like I was getting sick again! What I did see as a benefit from all this was my ability to make friends easily, and adjust pretty fast, and maybe have a broader perspective.(?)

During the second part, we were asked to see a vision, to try and imagine a change , even small, envision it! Since I had mentioned I wanted to move because my apartment is getting too small for my soon to be 11 year old twins and I ( and the bunnies), my partner invited me to see a new apartment, one that I move to not because of external reasons, but because I choose too. It was great! I took a walk in my new apartment, saw my new bedroom, my kids' rooms,  a beautiful kitchen. At  the end of that part, like a miracle, my headache was gone!

Wow this work is so powerful!

And this brings me back to, ahem, the affair that started when the #215800 challenge began. From the get go, my dream said, Yael , this ain't for you. Did I did listen? Nope! Then I got ill, very ill with that horrible, practically strangling throat infection. Well, I've known Louise Hay long enough and had enough throat infections over the years to know what that means! Add to that my shoulder and my knee that act up and out whenever I feel weak and there is no SPACE for me. And to top it all off, I began to get an itch, you- know-where, and then even the sex was no fun! ( boy I'm beginning to sound like some invalid!)

Ahhhh. Some space for some self compassion.

I also notice some kind of movement, in and out, pushing away, pulling back, reaching out. Scared to be alone...

And yet, here I am tonight, when, according to the Jewish calendar I should be celebrating The Love Festival, I am alone. Upset that once again, I've been moved. That against my choice, yes that's it -  my need for choice is not met, again.

To be honest, I'm not as upset now as I was earlier...because being alone, folks , is my default.

Next post - putting in my order to the Universe!

Sunset...Never get tired of 'em

A couple of nights ago on a beach North of Tel Aviv....How come I never get tired of them?Enjoy....

Two parts of my body - two messengers

Wow , again too much time between posts! Just noticed it's been ten days...oh how I miss being challenged, in a writing structure, to be contained...

 For a very long time I have had two very painful parts in my body: My left shoulder and my right knee. so long that when I went to see the orthopedic doctor a year ago, he said : that pain in your shoulder is Ancient. How ancient? Past life perhaps? I can't really say. I have a vague memory of sitting in my Vipassana retreat 25 years ago hearing the word Samskaras, in relation to the aches and pains that come up during meditation.

I know, they each have a story to tell, coupled with my back....but what are they trying to say? I'd like to say I have a dialogue with them, but really it's more like they are shouting something and I keep saying...huh?

Once , during a session with a friend the word "space" or "place" came up. Today, in my therapy sesssion, other things came up. I was talking about my affair with this man, repeating what I had said to him yesterday which was : " You're asking for patience from me? Well I want it too!" As I said this, I made two gestures with my hands. First I lifted both of them in  a Stop sign gesture, and then immediately brought my right hand to my left shoulder, partly supporting it - partly massaging it...and the whole arm crossing my body in a gesture of protection. My therapist then asked me to repeat the same movements again and again, while giving attention to what feeling or memory arises as I do this.

 ( In Biosynthesis, the method of therapy I am doing and studying formally, we let the movement bring up more information, or help stir memories)

What came up was alot of sadness. And an effort to protect myself...I am so trying to protect myself from more hurt in my life. And how much support I need, how much is lacking...

My therapist then asked: can I come and sit behind you and support this shoulder and your head? Lets experience something different, something new, and see how it feels? Then she also suggested we move to the floor, to the mattress and for me to create a safe space to be supported in, and all the while, more memories keep coming in, of how I am in relationships, all kinds of relationships, how much I want to be taken care of...how much I want to be seen, and how tired I am of holding it all together, tired of feeling alone.

 (This process, can only happen btw, in a therapuetic situation where trust and a connection, a strong bond, have been formed between therapist and client).

Suddenly the image that comes to my mind is of a Buddha that Jack Kornfield talks about in his book : "Wise Heart". This particular Buddha was a clay sculpture from centuries ago, cared for by the monks in the area. One day a monk discovered a crack in the clay. Everyday the crack widened and eventually revealed a GOLD Buddha that had been hidden from sight so many years, no one remembered it was there. Obviously it is a metaphor for our pure, unchanged selves, covered by all that and how much work we need to do to move the clay aside to be free.

Tired, longing to be free....
Stopping here.

River

“He tried hard to help me, you know he put me at ease and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees, I wish I had a river...I could skate away on....” Joni Mitchell (found a particularly shivering live version here)

Well I don’t know how hard he tried to help me, seems he was helping, or trying to help himself. But the fact of the matter is this beautiful eerry sad Joni song really portrays my mood now.

Aphrodite really did her work on me. I was excited, “in love” felt sexy and creative for the most part of this last month. In Hebrew the words creation and sexual urge or desire are from the same root. I can tell why. They just go together. And now, I’ve sunk into some depth which is hard to describe...but as my friend Michal put it, that’s kind of the way I am. Sad. That’s my default. Yes, I smile at you from this picture, (well actually, smiling at my son Tom who took this picture and always says to me first thing in the morning: Ima, Smile!) So yeah, I smile alright, but it’s not a smile coming from the depths of my soul.

Except when I put on music and just dance.

Struggling to find words...

After being told ( by mail, mind you!) last week by the man I was involved with, that he needs to go away and be with himself and face reality (‘it’s not you, it’s me...’) to coming back on track, and agreeing that we are in touch, to again being told (by e-mail, again) that it is over, I feel a mixture of things:
One: relief- because many of my needs were not getting met- namely, for a happy, fun open mutual, honest, reciprocal relationship, and I couldn’t find it within me to break it off, though I made some attempts. Secondly the moral issue...someone out there being lied to...yes yes, not my business -yet I am with someone who is doing that. Makes me sick to my stomach now to think I cooperated with that.

And now, an alone ness and sadness that have come to stay...find myself still checking my inbox, in anticipation, looking at the cellphone that’s silent, no text messages...the need for attention and being special...

Thank God that I am supported by therapy and loving friends...my therapist noticed how I tried so fast, in the good ol’ family tradition, to put up that ol’ stiff upper lip and keep going , as in business as usual... as if nothing had happened....as if I didn’t open my heart, wide wide open...as if I didn’t take that chance, as if I hadn’t been suddenly, left standing there with my mouth wide open.

Friends say..or at least some, it’s not you it’s him, he’s not connected to himself, he’s not worthy of you, but what if it is me?What if I am really not someone who guys want to be close to? Apart from in sex?aaaaahhhhhhhh

Let’s examine that for a moment, shall we? Lets say it is me, and I am awful to be with- a know it all, a perfectionist, judgmental, sad, rigid, a little puritanical despite my cool rebellious past and facade? What does that mean? Obviously it means that no one, who will get to know me, will want to stay with me. Somewhere deep inside me is a belief that I don’t deserve a man I want and suits me just fine.

After writing these words, I just collapsed on my bed, with a sore throat, heavy, tired feeling like I’m going be very sick, with a kind of pins and needle feeling all over.

So what if I don’t find anyone? Then what? I’ll be alone, and then what? I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life...well I’m miserable now so I don’t have to wait for the future for that! Of course I have no proof that any of this is true. As Katie puts it :”Reality is always kinder than our story”

It’s the next morning..been to the doctor and received antibiotics which I am reluctant to take. As Yasmin, my daughter put it, sometimes when you know what you have it’s already the cure...she’s a wise one that one.
The same evening I completely collapsed. High fever, the works. My twins took care of me, bringing me water to drink and cooling my forehead with towels, and yes I am taking those antibiotics.

Wish I could lift myself but the weight of the disappointment is too heavy...as my therapist put it: just be gentle with yourself for now...give time for healing...

This post has talken me days to write, that's it -  off it goes into cyberspace.

In a garden...looking for my ground..

Since the begiining of this affair, this love affair,I have felt like a pendulum swaying this way and that. Like a leaf on a branch moved by the slightest breeze.

M said: " He'll never leave her, if you don''t want to get hurt, if you want this man, leave him now, straight away!"

G says: " Sounds like you need to live from your truth, you should live by your morals"

Another M says : He doesn't sound trustworthy, what does he want? And on the other hand, if you want him, you must be like Aphrodite...luring, beautiful smart, transformative...

A says: give it a chance! Why should he move from his favorite, regular resteraunt to a new one when he hasn't tasted enough to know, whether he really likes it or not?

S says : He's right,  A is, give it a chance, meanwhile, you're learning, you're experiencing, it's better than nothing!

And today, with yet another A , another voice, I hear myself apologising, for it, justifying in her ears, and maybe mine?, Justifying the fact that I'm living against my morals? And then she adds, well, when there's been sex, it completely takes over the head! Feeling ashamed, like there's something wrong with that.

So many voices! So many opinions! Reminds me of my Academy of Art days...when there were too many voices.

And what does Yaeli say? What does she know? (Middle of the night now, a small baby is crying from some apartment, somewhere, crying and crying....my heart cringes to hear it, why doesn't someone go to her? Dammit!!!( maybe that's me crying), God she's screaming now, please send someone to her for Heaven's sake!!!)

What does Yaeli know.

I know, that on Sunday night, after spending sometime together at the pool, talking, laughing hugging, and then much later at my place, I slept like a baby, a baby that has all it's needs met (unlike the one screaming in the distance- she stopped now, either she ran out of air or someone finally had some mercy). I slept so well, and woke up with so much energy! I went to sleep feeling satisfied, full, and slept the best I have done in years!

And then came Monday, off to Anne to interview her, then a feeling starts to creep over me , strange short text message, and then reading that mail at the dentists' office, (" It's not you it's me ..".) I nearly threw up, I felt so bad. I felt his anguish, his uncertainty and my heart sank into the depths, and a bad mood set in.
Tuesday, him wanting to talk, a meeting. S says go , of course you must go ( Jesus, have I no backbone to speak of?)

Meeting at the coffee shop, me trembling, trying to speak my truth, to say what I need, that I want a relationship, a consistnet one., huggging in the end, and yes, ok, we're back on course.

And today was Wednesday ( that baby is still crying...Lord, have mercy!) Feeling worried distracted, unhappy, except at my weekly Yoga class, Short conversations on the phone, he sounds bad, he's unwell, it sounds like he's worse off than me! Why do I need this? He keeps saying, you should find yourself another guy, at least three times...
I don't like myself this way! I'm angry scolding myself, trying to figure out: who's right who's wrong? What IS right?

I've always had a lot of patience. anyone who's seen my Metalwork, the intricacy of the pieces, the minute detail,s can tell they take hours to make. I made them with a lot of patience and love.

And in myParenting path, again a lot of patience. Breastfeeding twins simultaneously for three years...I'm sure I broke some record somewhere. And the homeschooling, present for them, till they reached six. It took a lot out of me. And I did it with a lot of love, devotion and conviction, no less.

And now, now it looks like I have run out. Maybe all that patience was me holding in, holding back my own needs, holding back my own true expression, my womanly needs, I don't know. I just know that I'm out. Really out. Out of patience and out of time.I want it all, I want what I deserve, and I want it NOW.What is all? To live in a way which makes me feel good about myself, a way that feels good in my body
A teacher of mine once asked: Yael, do you know where the soul lives? In THE BODY. I spent so many years disconnected from my body, not listening to it. Letting my head rule. Shoulds and should nots. My Yoga teacher, Anne, says in class: When you say "I" and make a gesture with your hand, where does it go automatically? Try it. Say : "I". It goes straight to the center of your body, around the solar plexus. It doesn't go to your head...Anne says that's why our posture says so much about our mental emotional state. Shoulders drooped and the whole chest area like a cavity, shows how we feel and how we face life. Lift the sternum, roll your shoulders back, it's like looking at life from a whole new perspective.

Sadness coming up now. My soul loves this man, is connected to him, maybe from a previous lifetime? Who knows and what does it matter?\

" In my garden


I have planted thee.


In my humble garden


In my heart


Within me'

Roughly translated from Hebrew, from the poet Rachel.

And I don't like the package it came wrapped in...And I have no patience. Zero. Sorry

That's me , now.

Hallelujah....

Hallelujah

"Maybe There's a God Above

But All I ever Learned From Love

Is How To Shoot At Someone who Outdrew You

It's Not a Cry You Hear In The Night

It's Not Somebody Who's Seen The Light

It's a Cold and It's a Broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah....."

L.Cohen

Pieces of the Puzzle....

 These last 21 days have been amazing for me. True the last couple I have not written and missed a day here and there but generally they have given me so much inspiration and a general kick up my butt!

Today I am interviewing Anne Catherine, my yoga teacher, for this project. Which I am happy to do anyway, hoping I will be able to work out the technicalities of.

An extra 10 days? I don' t know...I want to say YES! I want to commit to this because I am enjoying it so and feeling the flow of energy come from me as I write, and pass the 400 word mark...like being in a Yoga pose long enough or doing it that many times, like in any art form or practice, so that you really begin to understand it!

And the yoga , yes to Yoga a big yes! Coupled with my body psychotherapy  studies and therapy, things have been really coming together, it's like pieces of a puzzle ! As a child  I just loved putting puzzles together...must have gone well with that Virgoan side of me which just loves order!

And mentioning Virgo rising , and Virgo dominant in my chart, though I am Leo, is that perfectionist side of me, that whenever I don't hold up to standards, usually my own , I give myself a hard time.
A very hard time, which brings me to how I have noticed being a little bit hard on myself for the past 2 days for not writing, and seeing such beautiful inspired, women do their thing ahhhhhhh...a moment to notice those judgments come up.

Yesterday I was asked, why write? What's this blogging all about? Well, my answer is why does anyone write? Why have people kept journals, diaries ? Why have their journals been published? Or artist paint ? It's all about contributing something to humanity, isn't it? Sure there's self expression, it's an impulse we have, the impulse of creation, but it's also about what happens to the other person when he views , reads these personal, coming from the depths - stories? Feelings memories associations...and of course the word Connection comes up, which is really all we're about here....I love it!

I for one have been greatly inspired by the few I have managed to follow, whilst raising kids, being a single Mom, and also trying my best to get my professional side up and running  (admittedly that's going slowly, but surely!!)

So will I go for the extra ten days? will I refresh re-new rethink , re-schedule and try to fit it in???Like that extra piece?? Time will tell Meanwhile love to all and stay close for Anne Catherine!!

I’m surrendering...

I’m surrendering.

I’ve been fighting this relationship from the get-go...drawn to it, scared by it, rationalizing it, hating it, hating myself at times, well not hating but definitely unhappy with me, feeling empowered by saying NO, needing to say NO, and then finally so far, as these words are being written, I have surrendered. What does that word mean? It’s not a war! Why does it feel like one? The thing is that when we’re together it feels so GOOD. It feels right, I am in a relationship, an experience, he is teaching me intimacy. Something I have never known and never thought possible.

Laughing a lot, talking a lot , BEING, just being, gazing into each other’s eyes deeply, getting to know each other...we’re still really strangers! (Frank Sinatra singing in my head. my Mom's favorite)

Yes, it’s true. he’s in a relationship that, according to him , doesn’t work for him on many levels anymore, he’s changed.. They’ve changed, so why doesn’t he leave? Oops, I’m in his business now.

According to Byron Katie, there are three kinds of businesses...yours, mine and God’s, however you understand God to be. The Tao, Mother Nature, The Divine. If I’m in your business ,or God’s, that is, places where I have no say and no control, then I suffer, I feel alone, separate. So I imagine her asking: Who’s business is it with whom he lives? Obviously , his. Also, when I am opposing, resisting, arguing with Reality as it is now, I suffer.

Who would I be without the thought: He should leave her? Someone very much in love, living and enjoying myself! That’s something I have very rarely allowed myself to do. Questions of right and wrong go flying out the door!

Just spoke to an old-new friend. Tal. My family came to live in Davis California in 1965, my Dad was at the University of California there. A short while after our arrival, her parents, newlyweds from Israel also came, and eventually became good friends of my family. I remember her Mom pregnant with her I remember being in awe, my hand on her belly, feeling the movements.
Fast forward many many years , we weren’t in touch for ages Meanwhile her parents had divorced , everyone grew up. The next time I saw her was when I split up from my husband and moved to a smaller town called Hod Hasharon. Her Mom had just died from cancer and as it happened had been living, without my knowledge, around the corner from me.

 In the Jewish tradition, it is customary that after a person dies there is a Seven day morning period, when people come to pay their respects and sit with the grieving family. My Mom and I came. And I re-met Tal, who had just given birth for the first time, and was breastfeeding her newborn. In the past few years she had been to India, did a lot of meditation and became, amongst other things, a life coach. Immediately we recognized in each other soul sisters. She makes these wonderful portable Meditation pillows, and has become deeply interested in Nonviolent Communication, the process which I have been living and breathing for the past seven years. We clicked.

In our conversation now she said...Yael, it sounds like this love affair is a lesson for you on how to be fully present in each moment without attachment to end results. Pure and simple. I know what my goal is, I know what I envision in terms of a relationship , a partner that I want. He may or may not be “the one” but I am sure as heck gonna allow myself to LIVE IT.

So is it a surrender? Maybe, but not in the win or lose sense. Rather, it is like relaxing into a Yogic pose. With awareness, with acceptance to where I am now. Breathing, Moving, becoming stronger and more and more flexible in my body, in my life. Yoga!